


Dark Side of the Moon

by Janettelle



Series: Tsukishima is my MC [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Emotionally Repressed, Gen, Season/Series 01, Spoilers, Tsunderes, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:47:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25896937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janettelle/pseuds/Janettelle
Summary: Karasuno loses to Aoba Johsai at Interhigh. Ukai takes the members to a restaurant where all the members eat and cry, except Tsukishima. He is just quiet.Set between Season 1 Episode 24 and 25.
Series: Tsukishima is my MC [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2068629
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	Dark Side of the Moon

**Author's Note:**

> I refuse to believe Tsukishima didn't go through the same emotional turmoil as everyone else after they lost to Seijoh at the Inter-High Tournament. So here.
> 
> _“The side of the Moon we never see is called the dark side of the Moon.”_

Tsukishima Kei preferred the quiet.

It's less about having a muted environment, and more of quashing the incessant turning of gears within his head. “Quiet” was a dynamic hush to Tsukishima, like that of a bedroom with a sleeping baby, or a school corridor in the morning right before students arrive. He'd wear headphones even if he wasn't listening to his favourite instrumental genres, because the sound of a muffled environment gives silence a different, comforting, hue.

But right now, noiselessness felt like dead air.

_This is stupid._

It hadn't been more than a couple of minutes since the Karasuno volleyball team finished eating. All the utensils were settled on the table, hands unmoving beside them. The owner of the restaurant had just gone to the back after settling the bill. Coach Ukai or Takeda looked like they wanted to speak, but no words were being said.

At least no one was sniffling anymore; everyone was staring-but-not-really-looking at each other. In an instant, Tsukishima felt sharply aware that he was the only one who didn't cry. Even the second years who didn't play had shed tears. He knew no one currently had the emotional capacity to judge him, but Tsukishima could feel his brain get louder and louder with each passing second.

_I'm not like these idiots._

Suddenly, the main door slid open with an influx of chatter and footsteps.

“Obaa-san, are you open yet?”

“I really want some tempura today!”

“Did you hear about my boss?”

The first customers of the evening were entering the restaurant, unknowingly breaking the tense vacuum that surrounded the high school students and their chaperones. Tsukishima let out a sigh he didn't realise he was holding.

Takeda stood up to address everyone, “Really good work today, everyone. Please go home and get some rest. You've earned it.”

No one looked like they believed his words.

Tsukishima picked up his bag and turned to see Yamaguchi slowly sling his on, eyes puffy from crying, a bit of snot still dripping from his reddened nose. As they followed the group out, the blonde wordlessly handed his friend a tissue. Yamaguchi looked up to thank him, but his voice caught in his now-dry throat, too hoarse, or maybe too upset, to manage anything more than a curt nod.

For some reason, this hits Tsukishima hard. He hadn't realised until then how often Yamaguchi said “Thank you Tsukki!” or “Sorry Tsukki!”. He hadn't realised how uncomfortable it was to not be able to hear it.

_This is stupid._

Outside, the birds were cooing into the sunset, children laughed in the distance on their way home from the playground, a couple of bars opened their doors to welcome the dinner crowd. Tsukishima heard nothing. He looked around his team half expecting (half longing?) for Hinata to ask a stupid question, or Tanaka to gush about Kiyoko's knee or something, or Daichi to remind everyone not to be late for training the next day. He wasn't sure what frustrated him more: this desire not being met, or that he had such a yearning in the first place.

_Stop it. I am not like these idiots._

“Tomorrow's morning and afternoon trainings are cancelled,” Coach Ukai announced, facing everyone's stillness with a firm but optimistic tone. “We'll meet the morning after about half an hour earlier so we can debrief about today. Until then, enjoy your break.”

“Thank you Coach,” The team chorused loudly together out of habit, but the lack of its usual energy was jarring to Tsukishima's ear. He quickly turned on his heel, determined to be the first to leave so he wouldn't have to say goodbye. As he put on his headphones, Tsukishima tapped the name of a boisterous Ska band from his phone's music playlist and let the blare of trumpets drown out the voices in his head.

_There was no way we would have won against them._

He was two streets away from the restaurant before he remembered Yamaguchi usually walked with him since they lived near each other. The unspoken farewell resounded loudly inside him the entire journey home.

-

“I'm back.”

Tsukishima hears the soft pattering of his mother's feet as she jogs over from the kitchen.

“Welcome home, Kei! How was the game?”

Because he knew his mother would ask, Tsukishima had rehearsed what he was going to say right before opening the front door to his house. The words were all at the tip of his tongue.

_It was fine but we lost._

_Don't worry, I'm not upset._

_The coach treated us to a big dinner so I'm a bit sleepy now._

_I'll go to bed first. Good night._

But nothing comes out. Tsukishima meets the gaze of his mother, mouth half open, and her smile falters at the sight of his hesitance. She still remembers the day Akiteru came home after Kei learned of his “position” on the volleyball team – her sons never knew how to open up to her about their pain. As a mother, she tries not to let it affect her, tries not to think she must have failed somewhere in their upbringing.

Instead, she pats her youngest child on the shoulder, “Why don't you go to your room? I'll bring something up later.”

Tsukishima forces a smile for her, grateful.

“Thank you.”

He holds his composure all the way up the stairs to his room, but once the door is closed and his bag dropped on the floor, Tsukishima feels a stab just under his collarbone.

_Stop it._

In the darkness, he chokes, refusing to admit that it sounds like a sob. He stops moving, squeezing his eyes shut, clenching fists, trying to stop the memories of the afternoon from bursting forth. But it doesn't work; he still hears the cheers from the crowd.

The screeching of rubber soles on lacquered court.

The sound of his panting.

_Stop._

He sees the top white line of the net.

The Seijoh players lining up for an attack.

The volleyball spinning in the air.

_This is stupid._

He doesn't know how long he stands there for, but at some point when he finally walks over to his closet to change out of his attire, his knees are aching. At some point he has to consciously release the clamp of his teeth on his bottom lip. At some point he finds himself sitting on the bed, face in his hands, palms pressing so hard against his eye lids that he can see stars.

Still, the slideshow of memories doesn't stop.

He can't recall when he started hoping that they would win, just that he really didn't have any expectations at the start of the day. Tsukishima was just a responsible member of the team, pulling his weight because he was appointed as a regular.

_It's just a game._

But he remembers every jump he attempted.

Every block that was read.

Every feint he managed to make.

Every point he helped earn.

_There are winners and losers in every match._

Maybe it was when Sugawara hit him on the head? Or when Kageyama finally gave him tosses he could work with? Tsukishima knew there was a moment he had been analysing his opponents so intensely, he was almost irritated to be rotated out of the court because he hadn't managed to try some of the strategies he thought up.

_Stop it. I get enough time on the court. There is no need to want more._

He feels a prickling heat under his eyes.

_No, stop it._

_Don't cry._

_It's just a game._

_I'm not disappointed_

_I'm not invested-_

“Kei?”

His mother's voice pierces through Tsukishima's reverie.

“Yeah?” His voice sounds ragged, as if he had been crying.

_There are always winners and losers._

“I have some green tea.”

“You can leave it on the floor, thank you.”

Tsukishima hears a soft clack and waits until her footsteps fade away before going to the door. There is a cup of warm green tea and a small plate of strawberries on the tray, the comfort food his mother prepares when he gets upset. As Tsukishima picks it up, he feels suddenly annoyed that his mother registered his emotional turmoil. Before he turned back into his room, he glances at his brother's room down the hall, empty since he left for college earlier this year.

_There are always more losers._

The door is ajar, so he could see the bed head and posters of a volleyball team above it. A folded sports jersey was on the futon, the one Akiteru usually wore to practice volleyball. Normally, Tsukishima wouldn't have been able to spot it even with the moon light from the window, but now it catches his eye. His brother had worn it during the sports trials too, trying to get into the Karasuno volleyball team. He didn't make the cut, and he didn't tell Tsukishima-

_There is always someone better than you._

Tsukishima closes the door and places the tray on the table. The sight of tea and fruits suddenly makes him feel nauseous. His eyes start to sting.

_It's just a game._

Tsukishima hurriedly grabs his headphones and turns the volume up as he starts playing a random song from his phone. He doesn't listen to the lyrics or the melody, but it is loud.

_There are always winners and losers._

_There is always someone better than me._

Slowly but surely, it drowns out his memories.

_I knew this would happen._

_I'm not like those idiots._

_Seijoh was better than Karasuno. I knew this._

There is comfort in rational logic. Tsukishima feels like as if his tangled nerves were now uncoiling. He latches onto that thought.

_I knew this. There was no way we would have won against them._

_I knew this would happen._

_I'm not like those idiots._

The last things Tsukishima recollects are the faces of his Karasuno team mates during dinner. Their strained expressions. Tears mingling with their food. Hunched shoulders. Yamaguchi's sniffling. He keeps thinking, _see,_ _this is_ _what happens,_ over and over. Over and over. Over and over.

Until he falls asleep _._

-

The next morning, Tsukishima is fine. He knew he would be. He had a good night's rest, a light breakfast, the weather was nice and cool. Memories of the match come up occasionally, but there is nothing he can do about the natural processes of the brain. Just like there was nothing he could have realistically done to beat Seijoh.

_There was no way we would have won against them._

Tsukishima has to text his mother thank you for the previous night. He has to take notes in class. He has to make up to Yamaguchi for ditching him yesterday. That's why he invites him over for the weekend. That's why he accompanies him for lunch. That is why he doesn't argue when asked to go to the gym even though training was cancelled.

The whole team and even the coach turns up though, so training resumes. Hinata and Kageyama are especially intense during the drills. Daichi says something about aiming for Nationals now. Yamaguchi cheers along with the rest of the team. Tsukishima pulls his weight, because he is a responsible member of the team.

_I'm not like these idiots._

Everything goes back to normal, everyone loudly passionate about their next goal.

But as always, Tsukishima Kei prefers to be quiet.


End file.
